Sobriety Methods 101 w/Dennis Cook

Currently Playing: For Miles Around (Scratch To Void) by People In Planes -- (who, might I add, are quite the friendly bunch)
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Another Homecoming weekend in the books. I'd quick like to thank all of you who made it to the fund raiser in Phelps Park. We had a record turnout. Mrs. Preus really put some elbow grease into it. Thanks everybody.

Speaking of Mrs. Preus, I'd like to talk about a myth we all learned in Health class in high school. Many of us had a unit at some point or another regarding alcohol and the abuse of. Dennis Cook would get up in front of the class and tell you all about facts like how much less alcohol it takes for a female to get wasted, etc etc. They all were legitimate things to consider whilst drinking. All except one. While cleansing myself under an artificial waterfall the other day at 3 in the morning I was thinking about about one of those facts Dennis Cook told me in my younger days. He always told us that there is no quick way to sober up. No cup of coffee, no cold shower, no encounter with spitter dinasaurs on the library, or... well you know where this goes. None of those things will sober you up any quicker than simply just waiting for your body to metabolize the alcohol. I would like to disprove this idea though. If you know any better like myself, simply vomiting at an appropriate time will sober you up faster than simply waiting around. Think about it, you are throwing up the alcohol that you ingested minutes ago. Had you not thrown that liquid up, the alcohol would have remained in your system and would have created a traffic jam full of alcohol trying to get at your liver like Craig Boone antagonising you over some competition.

Sometimes this does become an issue on a recreational drinking evening. Whenever I realise have reached a point that I don't enjoy so much anymore (ie feel sick etc.) I do the olde finger down the throat trick. The feeling you have during the process is euphoric. You've never felt better in your life. And had I not gagged myself I would have been much more drunk, and much more sick. I think it's time that teachers like Dennis Cook add this valuable method to their curriculum. It's just as important as the day you are taught (and I know some schools don't participate in this, and they should) how to properly apply a condom on a penis. Both methods will save lives. The only hitch I see skeptics finding in the method is that it may create the beginnings of an eating disorder. My argument would be that you most likely are too intoxicated to let your brain remember this vomitting tendency. And therefore it couldn't become translate into an eating disorder.

Also remember to consider Dr Povolny's feelings on this one. Make sure to use mouthwash afterward.

If you feel strong about this, I encourage you to contact your local school board. Make it happen. Chase the dragon.