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Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Black Friday (I kinda wanna hang myself for giving the day-after-Thanksgiving a proper title) marked the first day of the longest Christmas season in recent history. Last year was so successful, they decided to contract Christmas' 2008 schedule for 33 male-enhancement-riddled episodes of mediocre humor.

Merry Christmas? Happy Chan..man...kah?

Forget about it. Trying to be politically correct when you attempt to greet a stranger, "who looks like some kind of Spanish," with proper holiday wishes is the least of your worries. I think we've all got more significant issues to consider.

Are you ready for the chubby man to sneak up and down your chimney? Have you erased your friend's TiVo and programmed it to record the entire Christmas Story marathon? Have you laid brick to your blueprint, plotting how you will effectively utilize the mistletoe pattern you had your Mom embroider on your favorite pair of boxers? Are you going to remember to go to empty your bladder before you pass out and start spooning with a jug of Carlo Rossi?

Now I've got you shaking in your gay-old Christmas sweater. Not to worry though. Here are a few scouting reports to help plan your Christmas season, promised to be full of jolly people throwing hot dogs down hallways - or, decking the halls.

Top of Scootix Povolny's Christmas List: Five minutes and five beers in a room alone with a smug dog.

Hank Steinbrenner's Dreidel-Spinner: Seven minutes in heaven with Joba 'The Hut' Chamberlain. ("Johan Santana? He doesn't play baseball. He plays that one song with Nickelback.")

Steve Bailey's Recurring Dream: Sugarplums singing Christmas carols outside his dorm room with a chorus full of prospective "real-fathers" singing harmony.

Coupon That Oklahoma State Football Coach, Mike Gundy, is Clipping in the Sunday Paper: A voucher for a free fully-loaded evening in the RZ with scribe Jenni Carlson of the The Oklahoman.

Coupon Windows Vista is Clipping in the Sunday Paper: A voucher for a free cybernetic evening in the RZ with Apple's very own, Mac guy. (Mac guy writes tell-all of first cyber-sexual assault in the history of mankind? Maybe he should blog about it on his new MacBook Pro.)

Geek Squad Now Making House Calls For: Hidden web-cam installation (first ever installed in Oslo 2 bathroom; much to the satisfaction of Wilhelm's fetish for watching Ruke Fier take a poop.)

Authorities are Following: John Eide. Reports link him to coffee shops in the metro area meeting with children's song writer, Raffi. Authorities believe Eide is connected to a dangerous terrorist alliance that may involve singer/songwriter Cat Stevens.

John Eide's Christmas Season Planner: December 2nd: "Meeting at Bruegger's with Raffi: Discuss hip-hop remix of 'Baby Beluga.'"

A-Rod Home-Run-based incentives: $6 million for each monumental Home Run passing the top five of all time.

Bobby Kielty Home-Run-Based Incentives: Kielty hits meaningless Home Run in 2007 postseason. Kenny Rogers fires Scott Boras. Boras reasons Kielty will solve recent clientele woes. Looks to outdo A-Rod's home-run-based negotiation with Yankees by securing a record-breaking deal with Kielty. The sensible reaction? Let the bids start at a bottle of Yoo-Hoo every time Kielty clears the fences. East coast newspapers' top story? Bobby Kielty receiving free-agent offers from all over the league. The sad reality? Kielty will make millions of dollars for one home-run. Had he not hit the home-run? Face down in a drained pool listening to Dashboard Confessional right now.

Out of the Closet: Jam-band, OAR. "Sorry guys, it's time we be honest with our fans: not only do we suck, but it's pronounced 'ore' not 'O-A-R.' Effectively, our fan base will no longer be allowed to be smug by knowing 'how it's really pronounced.' Also: Ladies, you can stop being impressed by the douchebag who lives upstairs and can play 'Hey Girl' 'really good.' Douchebag who lives upstairs: you can stop enjoying the smell of your own farts."

Next "Forward It Like It's Hot!": Randy Wilhelm "accidentally" discovers that the soundtrack for James Cameron's classic, Titanic, syncs up with box-office sensation Stealing Harvard. Look for the dubbed version to start accumulating hits on YouTube within the next week. (Fantasy Spin: Look for a remastered two-disc bundle to be released featuring Wilhelm's greatest hits: The Eagles' Hotel California synced with The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and U2's Joshua Tree synced with Tub-girl. Available December 18th on HD-DVD or Blu-Ray).

Biggest Disappointment: Mitch brings the wrong tin of Ice-Breakers to the first-ever Sexual Holidazzle Parade.

Set a Place at Your Table For: Kansas University football coach, Mark Mangino. After his Cinderella season was dashed by the Missouri Tigers, Mangino reportedly made a new goal for himself this season. Reporters were surprised when he made no mention of a respectable bowl game in his new aspiration. Rather, Mangino claimed he wants to compete with the "other fat man" and visit every house in the world on Christmas Day. In contrast to Santa, the coach will not visit each home bearing gifts for young boys and girls. Rather, he affirmed he will crash each household's Christmas dinner and demand a heaping plate of food. The ground rules? If the plate has so much as trace of vegetables on it, he will eat one of your children. If your bird/pig at the center of your table is stuffed with anything but Arby-Q's, he will eat one of your arms to serve as a reminder to "think Arby's" next year.

Blockbuster: Bruflodt stars as taxicab-aggressor, Scott Povolny, in John, Mitch, and Scott Go to the Hospital: The Story of a Crave Case Gone Wrong.

Minnesota Rivalry Heating Up: New bar opens next door to Gay-90's. Opens: December 1st. DJ spins: Every genre. Name of the bar: Bisexual 80's.

Gay 90's Christmas Promotion: All the drinks, half the price.

Bisexual 80's Christmas Promotion: All the Christmas spirit, half the gay apparel.

Well I certainly hope this insiders' look into the Christmas season helps calm your nerves. May your family be full of Big Montana's f/Arby's. And remember, if you see Jan or Wayne this season, tell 'em to get back together - it's Christmas, for cryin' out loud! ;)

Spagett!

On the next Nine Dollars: "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles is the same song as "So Much Love" by The Rocket Summer